I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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