I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
