I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
