I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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