Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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