No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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