I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
