Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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