i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Little spoons don't ask big questions
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
