Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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