So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
