I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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