I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
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