My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Actions speak louder than pants.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize