Got a toothbrush?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
