I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
