the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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