I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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