I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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