Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize