I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she pinky promised me she was 18
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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