im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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