i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize