Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
