all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
