I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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