We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize