you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
