are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
