can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
