I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
