When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
