woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
