Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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