My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
