For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
