I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
