i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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