Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
