Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
