i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
