So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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