I think my fart just growled at me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
