a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
