How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
