so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
