How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize