All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
