oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
