Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
