i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
