someone owes me an orgasm
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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