Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
