it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
