worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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