I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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